The Science of Love: Understanding Love Styles and Building Stronger Relationships
Love is one of the most powerful and sought-after experiences in life, yet it remains one of the most complex. Why do some relationships feel effortless while others struggle despite deep feelings? Understanding the science of love through love styles and the components that make up lasting connections, can help us navigate relationships more intentionally and build deeper, more fulfilling bonds.
In this post, we’ll explore the six styles of love, break down the three key components of lasting relationships, and provide practical tips to strengthen your connection, whether you’re single or already in a relationship.
The Six Love Styles: How We Experience and Express Love
Psychologist John Alan Lee introduced the concept of six distinct love styles in his 1973 book, The Colors of Love. Each style represents a unique approach to love, relationships, and intimacy:
1. Eros – Passionate Love
Eros is intense, romantic, and physical. This style is characterized by strong emotional and physical attraction, infatuation, and desire. Eros love thrives on excitement and the thrill of new connections.
2. Storge – Affectionate Love
Storge is a calm, steady, and friendship-based love. It develops gradually through shared experiences, trust, and mutual respect. Storge is common in long-term relationships and deep friendships.
3. Ludus – Playful Love
Ludus is lighthearted, casual, and sometimes flirtatious. Individuals with this style enjoy the excitement of multiple relationships and the thrill of the chase, often prioritizing fun over commitment.
4. Pragma – Practical Love
Pragma is pragmatic and goal-oriented. Partners prioritize compatibility, shared values, and long-term stability. This style is less about passion and more about building a sustainable, harmonious relationship.
5. Mania – Obsessive Love
Mania is intense and possessive. People with this style can be jealous, insecure, and demand constant validation. While passionate, mania can create anxiety and emotional turbulence.
6. Agape – Selfless Love
Agape is compassionate, altruistic, and unconditional. It focuses on the well-being of others without expecting anything in return. Agape love is characterized by empathy, kindness, and deep connection.
People tend to be attracted to partners who share their love style. Eros and agape love are linked to higher relationship satisfaction, while ludus and mania can decrease long-term happiness.
The Three Key Components of Love: Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment
Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love (1986) explains that love is built on three essential components:
Passion – Intense emotions and physical attraction. This drives desire and excitement, similar to eros love.
Intimacy – Emotional closeness and personal sharing. It’s about understanding, empathy, and connection.
Commitment – The decision to maintain and nurture the relationship over time.
Where your relationship falls within these three components shapes the type of love you experience:
Liking: Intimacy only; a close friendship without passion or commitment.
Infatuation: Passion only; often experienced during the honeymoon phase.
Empty Love: Commitment only; staying together without passion or intimacy.
Fatuous Love: Passion + Commitment; intense attraction but shallow emotional connection.
Romantic Love: Passion + Intimacy; emotionally intense and physically connected.
Companionate Love: Intimacy + Commitment; deep emotional bonds without physical passion, often seen in long-term marriages.
Consummate Love: Passion + Intimacy + Commitment; the ideal, fully balanced love that is deeply fulfilling and enduring.
How to Strengthen Your Love and Relationship
Understanding love styles and components is just the first step. To create or maintain a positive relationship, communication and intentional effort are key. Here’s how:
1. Reflect on Your Love Style
Whether single or partnered, take time to identify your love style and how it shows up in your relationships. Knowing this helps you understand your needs, expectations, and behaviors.
2. Evaluate Your Relationship Type
If you’re in a relationship, consider where your love currently falls within Sternberg’s triangle. Are you missing intimacy, passion, or commitment? Identify gaps and discuss them with your partner.
3. Communicate Intentionally
Open and honest communication builds intimacy and understanding. Share your feelings, desires, and needs, and actively listen to your partner without judgment.
4. Practice Gratitude, Empathy, and Curiosity
Gratitude: Notice and appreciate your partner’s small acts of kindness daily.
Empathy: Understand your partner’s emotions and perspective, even during disagreements.
Curiosity: Ask questions, explore their thoughts, and deepen your connection.
5. Take Action
Relationships thrive with small, consistent efforts. Plan activities to boost intimacy, create opportunities for passion, and reaffirm commitment. Even minor gestures add up over time to create a more fulfilling relationship.
Final Thoughts
Love is dynamic, multi-faceted, and requires ongoing attention. Understanding your love style, your partner’s style, and the components that make up your connection can help you build stronger, more meaningful relationships. Remember, consummate love, the perfect balance of passion, intimacy, and commitment, takes conscious effort from both partners.
Action Challenge:
If single: Reflect on your love style and past experiences to clarify what you want in a future relationship.
If partnered: Identify which component of your love triangle may need more attention and commit to one action this week to strengthen your relationship.
Love is a journey, not a destination. With awareness, communication, and intentional effort, you can create relationships that are deeper, happier, and truly fulfilling.